Tonight’s presidential debate was billed as the most important presidential debate in this century, all of human history, and the entire history of the universe. This live blogging post will commentate whether it lives up to the hype — and for whom. If you are here during the debate, keep reloading for updates.  Or don’t.  Just do your own thing.  Roll your own.  Talk to aliens.  Close this window and pull up some internet porn.  Do whatever you want, man, just stop these voices!  ARRRGH!

P.S. Obama’s campaign has just cited this post as racist due to its title.  McCain suspends his campaign to hold an emergency session on racism in blog post titles.  Michael Merritt will live-blog that too.

8:03 CST: So much for the foreign policy focus. Obama’s team breaks out the champange in the spin room.

8:05: Oh, here we go. McCain = Bush, McCain = Bush, McCain = Bush. Good lord, can’t these people run against their actual opponent instead of constantly running against someone who isn’t on any ballot?  If McCain’s campaign kept using an “Obama = Carter” theme, the blogosphere would go ballistic.  Well, then again, they pretty much do that at the drop of a hat … ANY hat.

8:08: Oh, come ON, McCain! You had to know the economic questions were coming! His answers are muddled and stumbling. Obama still stuttering, but less than usual and less than McCain.  Senator McCain, when you stutter, your turkey neck jiggles unpleasantly.

8:10: The best McCain can make out of his own (objectively superior) record on warning that the financial meltdown was coming is to say, in effect, “me too” to Obama’s rather exaggerated account of his record.

8:12: Lehrer just called both of them on sticking to their talking points instead of being responsive to each other.  OMG!  Are you saying we are supposed to actually DEBATE, Jim????

8:14: Oh, yay.  The old “I will veto with this pen” gag.  The golden oldies of presidential debates.

8:17:  I should have posted a debate drinking game.  Every time Obama compares McCain to Bush, take a drink.  I predict all players would be plastered before the halfway point of this game.

8:20: McCain seems very uncomfortable responding directly to Obama.  Obama seems quite comfortable responding directly to McCain.  The net effect is to make McCain appear weak, frankly.  Speaking just as a debater and judge of debates for over a decade now, I have to say that Obama is already leading by a couple of touchdowns based only on McCain’s evident discomfort and disorganization.  And there goes the turkey neck again.

8:28:  Asked what he would have to cut to pay for the financial bailout, Obama instead lists all the new spending he wants to enact.

8:29:  McCain lists ethanol subsidies as the first item he would cut.  Obama puts Iowa’s electoral votes into his pocket.

8:34: McCain finally has a strong moment, knocking Obama for his opposition to oil drilling and nuclear power.  Throws in a sop to disaffected Hillary Clinton voters.  Experts predict the Democratic party primary process will end any day now.

8:37: Take a drink.  Another.  And another.

8:39:  The lessons of Iraq are that we should avoid bad strategies?  Thank you, Captain Obvious.  Oh, excuse me.  Senator Obvious.

8:41: Take another drink.

8:46: Lehrer considers using a crowbar to get in a word edgewise.

8:47: Take another drink.

8:48:  Just noticed that Michael Merritt is also live-blogging the debate.  Mine is funnier.  Really.  Honest.  It is.  Ok, fine.  I’m going to release a web advertisement that makes fun of Merritt’s lack of computer skills.

8:52: Take another drink.

8:53: McCain says, “if you have to do things, you have to do things [in Afghanistan]“.  Donald Rumsfeld sues for plagiarism of his characteristic, bizarre rhetorical style.

8:54: McCain: “The bombing of the hotel in Pakistan was a signal from the terrorists.”  Really?  Ya think?

8:56: Obama basically calls McCain a warmonger.  Yeah, it counts.  Take another drink.  Same goes if he uses the word “neocon” or uses any other play from the BDS playbook (copyright, 2003, MoveOn.org and Michael Moore).

8:58: McCain points out that Obama wasn’t around in 2001.  Also offers Obama a diaper change.

8:59: McCain mentions his Vietnam experience.  That’s a drink too.  Obama almost forgets the name on the soldier’s bracelet he claims to wear.  It’s ok, though.  He’s wearing a flag pin.

9:01: McCain criticizes Obama for not traveling to Afghanistan on top of repeated criticisms for Obama not traveling to Iraq.  Apparently, the Constitution contains a heretofore undiscovered requirement that presidential candidates must have at least 50,000 frequent flier miles.

9:05: McCain reiterates his support for the Kyl Amendment.  Obama comes back with the Stan and Cartman Amendment.  So There!  Kenny is still dead, of course, but Senator Obama is wearing a bracelet with his name on it.

9:08: McCain can’t say “Ahmadinejad”.  It’s ok, Senator.  Ahmadinejad can’t say “McCain”.

9:09: Whoops.  McCain can’t say “perestroika” either.  Again, it’s ok.  Putin can’t say “Sarah Palin”, at least not without drooling.

9:12: Obama agrees with the Bush administration.  Take FIVE drinks.

9:13:  McCain meanders into a verbal cul-de-sac about North Korea.  Obama keeps trying to interrupt, ala Al Gore.  ElectionSnark needs a drink.  Give me that bottle back before it’s empty.

9:16: Obama says “we have to affirm…democracies”.  Does that involve the laying on of hands, or can we just write a letter affirming them?

9:18: McCain’s jokes are as stale as, well, McCain’s jokes.  Clunk.

9:20: McCain proves that he actually can say lots and lots of Russian names.

9:21: Obama says we have to rebuild Geogia’s economy.  Given the problems in both places, which Georgia his is talking about is unclear.

9:24: Obama and McCain accuse each other of misrepresentation.  Take a drink.

9:25:  Lehrer asks a question about 9/11.  Get another drink bottle ready and fasten your seat belts.

9:27: McCain tries to roll all of his unused talking points into his 9/11 answer.

9:29: Excuse me, Senator Obama?  Did you just say that we need to spend more on nuclear proliferation?  Was that supposed to be on stopping nuclear proliferation?  Or did you just propose a new business plan for McDonald’s?

9:33: Now Obama tries to squeeze all of his unused talking points in in stoppage time.

9:35: McCain closes with Vietnam.  Drain that bottle.

Debate judge reason for decision:  I vote on the tie paradigm — the best tie wins.  McCain’s striped tie causes psychodelic side effects on the view that results  in serious disruptions from the voices in my head.  Obama’s textured red tie calms them.  Obama wins.

This debate was clearly the most important debate in the universe.  To someone.  Somewhere.  In an asylum.  Or something.  Get thee to the nunnery!!!

Seriously, this debate came straight out of the movie Idiocracy.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.